Agency
We were all born with agency. We have free will. This is awesome and a super important part of our existence but it is also the number one cause of power struggles with our kids. Resisting being told what to do is as natural and human as breathing. We don’t like being told what to do and turns out, neither do our kids! They are also little humans and they have their own will. My son was born 11 days after his “due” date. Talk about exercising his own will from the get go! In fact, all of my kids came days after they were “supposed” to. My first lesson in kids do what they want to do and not what we think they are supposed to do!
They have even come up with an official name for this instinct to resist. It’s called “counterwill” It is the instinct to resist, counter, and oppose when you feel controlled or coerced. It is an innate response designed to protect the self when feeling coerced or when facing separation. So the more we try to control our kids, the more they will resist.
So our quest as parents is to figure out tricky ways to get our kids to do things without forcing them. Fun game, huh?! All the whole stinkin day long, these poor kiddos are being told what to do. From sun up to sun down. Where is their agency in all of this? Null to lost. No wonder they seem to be acting out. They have a very real need to have agency but minimal control of their own lives.
Just remembering this can help us get creative in what to think and feel to help us drop the power struggles. When we remember that they need to make their own decisions, for example, instead of barking commands we can offer options. We can ask questions instead of telling and nagging.
When you feel yourself stuck in a power struggle, take a cleansing breath, and then think about what your agenda is, what his agenda is, and then think of a solution (with him if possible) that can satisfy both of your agendas.
