Self Compassion
You can NOT hate yourself better!! The only way to change is through self compassion! If you just did something that you do not consider to be your best parenting, how do you talk to yourself about that? Do you “beat yourself up” about it? Are you harder on yourself than a football coach is to his star quarterback? Does that self loathing really lead to improvement in your behavior next time? Pay attention to this today and see. Spoiler: it doesn’t! It never will. It can’t.
For example: You’ve decided that the mom you want to be doesn’t yell at her kids. But your older daughter just scratched her little sister and that triggers you something fierce because you are the younger sister in your family of origin and you got plenty of picking on as a kid. Plus, of course, your motherly instincts make you want to protect your children always, even if the threat is another one of your children. So, in the heat of that moment, you may act out of integrity with the kind of mom you want to be. You are fighting against a lot of primal wiring here. Your higher brain knows that your older daughter in not a tiger but your lower brain doesn’t get it in that split second in time. So of course you will flip your lid. You are a perfectly imperfect human. Your brain is working exactly how it should. So understanding that, after the fact, you can bathe yourself in self compassion. Instead of thoughts like “I can’t believe I just did it again! What is wrong with me!? I’ll never be a good mom. I’m screwing up my kids for life!” (any of these self deprecating thoughts sound familiar…) Instead, you can show yourself the same compassion that you would if you were empathizing with your child. “I know sweetie, it’s hard when the kids are not getting along. You are doing the best you can. You can do this! You will get it. You are an awesome mom. All moms make mistakes. We are just humans in this crazy world doing the best we can. Nothing is wrong with you. You are working just as you should.” etc. You get the idea.
Pay attention to the way you are talking to yourself today and see if you can catch the times you beat yourself up and remember that will never help you change. Only acceptance of where you are now will propel you forward into where you want to be! Good luck, my friend! And as always, if you want some help making this shift, I’d love to help you. Self compassion really is the secret sauce to achieving all our dreams.
