Guess Date
Today is my last baby’s “due date”. None of my babies have come anywhere close to their due dates so i’m in the camp of calling it more of a “guess date”. My first baby was 11 days “overdue”. Then we went 5 days over, 3 days over, and back up to 7 days over. So I’m guessing I won’t be headed to the hospital today. But who knows?
This waiting game starting with my very first baby taught me a thing or two about agency and control. And how important it is in God’s plan. I’ve always known that agency was an important part of the plan. We’ve been taught that it was so important, that a war in heaven was fought over it. Every single one of us has our own gift to choose. To be in control of ourselves. And that agency is apparent from the womb. Babies are born when they want to be. I’m all about waiting for them to be ready and doing it on their time. But even if we try to control that first choice they have for them, there is not two birth stories that are exactly alike. All of us are different and come into this world in our own unique ways. I find this fascinating. Because for 9-10 months prior, the books and apps can tell you exactly what is happening to the day almost in the baby development as if each embryo and fetus are exactly the same. But then all of a sudden when it comes time for birthing, it’s all a guess on how it will go exactly. And then every day for the rest of their lives, it’s all a guess about how it will go. We have no idea what our children’s lives are going to look like. We have ideas of how we want it to go and we try our best to control things to go that way, but agency is the real deal, my friends. And it starts from the get go. These kids really are their own little souls with wills of their own and they know it. And no one likes to have their God given gift of agency taken away from them. Even at their tender ages.
So. What do we have control over then? Surely as their parents we should have some say in what they do and don’t do? Clearly the world around me is expecting me to be able to control these little guys to behave in a socially appropriate way. How do i do that exactly when ultimately I really don’t have any control over them at all? I could continue to learn and discover new ways of trying to control and manipulate them so that they “behave properly” so that i can believe that i’m doing a good job as a parent because i have “good” kids. And when that doesn’t work, bury myself under a bunch of guilt and shame like we talk about here daily. Or I could try something different. Called respecting their agency and taking control of the only thing I actually do have control over. Myself. My thoughts. My feelings. and My actions. Of course as a parent, i have a responsibility to teach my kids but ultimately what they take from my instruction is up to them and all i can control is my response to their responses. That really is the cold hard truth. And the more we resist against it, the more unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves- and them!- and the more our mommy manual grows out of control and there’s no way to follow all those rules and the guilt piles on till we are flat on the floor feeling terrible about ourselves.
So. Try on the idea that your kids are agents unto themselves and our role as their parent is to teach them but not to control them. And give them the space to use their own agency, learn their own lessons, and blossom into the amazing people that they are destined to become. How their life will go from day one is only a guess.
