“She Can Think That If She Wants To”
“She can think that if she wants to” is my go-to sentence for immediate dropping the war on power struggle arguments. I encourage my kiddos to use it on each other also- about a thousand times a day! It is the instant argument ender. Even if she’s wrong, she can think that if she wants to. But usually it is an opinion anyway and there isn’t actually a right or wrong.
If I’m a “Friends” person but my husband is a huge “Seinfeld” fan, we don’t have to argue about which sitcom from the 90’s was the best. He can think that if he wants to and we don’t have to agree. That’s a silly example and may be obvious that it doesn’t matter if we agree or not but the idea actually works with more “important” disagreements also.
Like say, parenting styles. You do all the studying. You read the blogs, books, and listen to the podcasts. You know all the “right” ways to parent. You hubs has not. So he does whatevs he wants and probably his default is how he was raised and you have all your judgements of how your mother in law parented wrong also! So do you find yourself all day everyday (and night!) telling your husband what to do and what not to do? He can’t get it right, right? Well, part of that is because of how hard you are on yourself (subject for another day) but also, you can drop the war on the struggle with your husband with the same tools we use to drop power struggles with our kids. By respecting his agency, love, compassion, connection, all the things. Especially since he is a full grown adult, for sure he is a person with his own agency. He actually can parent however he wants. His relationship with the kids is his own. You don’t actually have control over that. And that is one of the hardest pills to swallow. But really, he can think that if he wants to. If he thinks that letting the baby cry it out is best, he can think that if he wants to. Not matter what your sleep expert said on her podcast.
This helpful phrase is useful for a trillion situations. Your father in law can think what he wants about politics. Your neighbors can think what they want about masks. They really can. With or without your permission. But for your own peace and tranquillity, give them their agency back. It actually feels amazing to have to take responsibility for everyone else’s opinions and ideas. You can just focus on what you want to think about things and drop the rest.
